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Amazing Cycling Cap Uses

January 3, 2012

I like practical. The only thing better than practical is practical/multifunctional. My Buff is partical/multifunctional. My cycling cap is neither. Yet.

As you may remember, after countless roundtable discussions with my top political advisors (note: I have no advisors), I made the decision to purchase a cycling cap despite its evident uselessness. Unfortunately, the waste of money would haunt my dreams to a degree where I would wake up soaking wet with a deep chill (unrelated, this was also about the same time I decided to start sleeping in the Anacostia for its therapeutic values). Anyway, I became an insomniac. Late one night, I mindlessly watched as an infomercial (or as the young people say: “information commercial”) tried pedaling their useless crap on me. Weary at first, I soon became aware of the 1400 uses for this piece of crap (to hammer the point home they were offering you two – I know, that useful!).

I was sure of it now. It was my proverbial “A-HA moment.” Just like late night info-crap, the cycling cap had thousands of additional uses. The only reason I did not know it was because the uses haven’t been thought of yet (or maybe they have, I don’t do research for this blog). I would eventually drift off to sleep that night, my mind crawling with potential cycling cap uses. Over the course of the next few days, I began my field evaluations for the world’s first practical/multifunctional cycling cap. Below are my initial amazing cycling cap ideas and their outcomes:

Idea 1: Hot Soup Container.

  • Details: Who doesn’t love a hot bowl of soup after a long winter ride
  • Potential Shortfalls: I know what you’re going to say. I thought of it too. What if there’s a stray hair in my soup (many hairs attached to a head = beautiful, a single loose hair strand = the most hideous thing it the entire world). To remedy this, I would instruct everyone to give the cap “one good shake after a long sweaty ride.” Problem solved.
  • Results: May have worked except the cap sprung a leak. Many leaks. As it turns out, cotton is not water tight nor is it insulating. It also did not retain its bowl shape. However, it does have potential as a rag (further studies are required before this hypothesis can be verified).

Idea 2: Yamulke for People with Giant Heads.

  • Details: It’s not for everyone, I know. But what Jewish person with an abnormally large head wouldn’t want a kippah/cycling cap combo?
  • Potential Shortfalls: People with small heads will want one of their own (not really a problem).
  • Results: Let me recap, I arrived 15 minutes late to services (no bike racks nearby) wearing a giant paper mâché head (my head is normal size and a Yamulke cycling cap would have looked silly) and a hot pink Lycra bodysuit (it makes me go fast). I was promptly removed from shul. I couldn’t say for certain it was due to my Yamulke cycling cap but I have trouble thinking what else it may have been.

Idea 3: Road/Camping Toilet.

  • Details: When you have to go, you have to go.
  • Potential Shortfalls: None that I can think of.
  • Results: HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE. DO NOT REPEAT. EVER.

So in conclusion, finding potential amazing uses for my cycling cap may be more of a challenge than I originally thought. I may have to readdress this at a later time with some additional help. Luckily, the internet is full of smart people wasting their time reading useless blogs.

Brim Up!

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